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One-Sided Love

Dear Dr Love,

There is this girl whom I like on campus. Despite we took the same classes for only about a year, we do not get to communicate much about each other's life other than schoolwork. Even though I only know little things about her, I have come to feel that I would want to spend my time and effort to take the best care of her. But I never got the chance to ask if she also likes me the same.

During the times we were together in school, I did what was in my abilities to help her out. Helping her to work on homework problems, finding her opportunities for vacation internship and even to the extent of spending 3 hours to recover a dear lost item of hers. I have always been the one taking the initiative and she reciprocated by confiding her feelings in me. One day, she told me that she was appreciative of what I have done for her. Having figured out that I wanted to chase after her, she made mention to me that her studies are her priority now.

I declared my liking to her and my intentions to stand by her then. But she felt this would disrupt her plans and suggested for the two of us to stay as friends.

I respected her decision and followed what she intended. Over the next month or so, I realised that the distance between two of us is getting further apart. This can be partially due to us taking totally different classes from one another. When I wanted to catch up with her by meeting up, she would rather not answer to my invitation by keeping silent. The same goes for my subsequent emails to her and phone calls.

Despite being a shy person by nature, I know that she can be a very goal-oriented girl at times and thus be ignorant to a number of things. Yet, I can still get her attention in the past. But her ignorance to me now is starting to get on my nerves. By turning down as many chances to communicate between us, she seems to be setting up her personal defences against me.

All of these have also led me to reflect on whether the time and effort I had foolishly spent on her have of been the slightest bit worthwhile. I have also began to have negative perceptions about her now changed character, up to the extent of suspecting her intentions to have actually use me in the past. All of these thinkings on top of self-destructive thoughts on myself not actually compatible to her in the first place.

One side of me defends her by thinking that she may have problems / other reasons on her side at the moment. The other says that I have already been conned and can be crowned the World's Greatest Idiot should I continue to wait for her (when she meant actually otherwise) until the end of our studies. The latter most possibly came up from her rejection to my declaration and now seeing her not walking her talk.

My declaration to her may most likely be the firestarter leading to the actions set up by her. I feel that I am very much under her Artillary bombardment of ignorant actions. She probably wanted to eradicate me from her maps without having to come face to face with me.

I would really want to hear from her as to whether she meant her words to be focused on her studies now and I still do stand a chance after we graduate. Up till today, she would not want to meet up to talk about this unless the circumstances forced her to. I suppose she does not know the mental torture I am going through now. If she does, she will definitely pick the easy way out for herself by staying away from me for certain. For being considerate has always been her good point. I can only see the colours Black and White now.

Black: I am very much inclined to think to have already lost her to another person whom she may be in better company with right now. Or if she is still by herself, I should be heartless to let her carry her load of goals and desire on her own as part of fulfilling her wishes to be away from me.

White: To believe that the day of her starting a relationship with me will miraculously come. For all the kindness I have done will surely be returned on that very special day.

Please advise.


Dr Love's Reply:

Dear Alphonse,

Thank you for writing in.

After reading the details of your experience, I feel this has been a very one-sided relationship. It seems that you're doing a lot for her, but she's not reciprocating. There are a few possible reasons for this:

1. She's not ready for a relationship, as she really wants to focus on her studies at the moment. Being so goal-driven, she'll probably focus strongly on her career after she graduates as well, or even consider post-graduate studies. Whether you really stand a chance after she graduates, nobody will know. But what's for sure is that you'll be taking a really big risk if you were to wait for her, because the current signs are that she is more academic and career-driven.

2. She doesn't see you as her potential boyfriend. There could be a myriad of reasons for this - she thinks both of you are not compatible, she currently likes another guy... the list goes on. But because you have helped her a lot, she treasures your friendship. Hence, she tries her best not to hurt you with a direct in-the-face rejection by avoiding your advances hoping that you'll understand and make a retreat.

In life, it doesn't mean that when you like someone very much and "come to feel that you want to spend your time and effort to take the best care of her", you must definitely have her as your girlfriend. And it doesn't mean that if you treat a girl very well with all the kindness in the world, she is obliged to love you in return. Well, the world will be simpler if there's such a rule. The most important thing in a relationship is that the love must be mutual. You have tried your best to win her heart, but it's clear that she doesn't like you in the same light.

From what I read of your actions, you seem to be a very nice guy and I'm sure you'll have no problems finding another girl who'll be more suitable for you. It may be difficult for you to see the big picture now, but when you finally snap out of your current rainy dark world, you'll be able to see the beautiful colours of the rainbow. It's time to move on! All the best.





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