Introduction

So, after all that preparation, you’ve finally gone for your first date. And thankfully, emerged alive. It wasn’t as bad as you thought, right? Or was it worse than your biggest nightmare? Whatever it is, at the end of the date, you should have a pretty clear idea of which of the following scenarios you fall into:

(1) You really like him/her

(2) You are not sure if you like him/her

(3) You met the wrong type of person

(4) You messed up the first date – big time

No matter which category you belong to, it’s important to know how to make the best use of the unique situation you’re in. In other words, what should you do after the first date is over? We shall take a look at each scenario in turn.

Scenario 1: You Really Like Him/Her

Congratulations! You have potentially found your life partner. Notice that I emphasized the word potentially because you can never judge a person on a single date alone, no matter how much information is exchanged during the conversation, or how confident you are. This is akin to a candidate going for a job interview – the employers will try their best to find out about the candidate’s aptitude and attitude during the job interview, but ultimately, they will only find out the truth about the candidate’s ability and work attitude when he starts working in the company and interacting with his fellow colleagues.

But if you like him/her and you believe there’s potential for a serious relationship, that itself is already a promising start. The following are some tips on how you can proceed from here:

a) Find Out More About The Other Person

You can do that in a few ways. First, ask her out for a few more dates so that you can converse with each other in person. In your conversation, don’t get bogged down by trivia such as movie discussions and celebrity gossip that you forget to ask about the really important areas such as life goals, values, views on family, and so on. Second, if he/she is a friend’s friend, you can easily find out more information about this person by asking.

b) Develop A Closer Rapport

Developing rapport is best done by sustained communication - meaning, you don’t just talk for a day and subsequently ignore the other party for the whole of the week. Even if you’re busy with your work, you should communicate via other channels such as email, SMS, online chat. As you become more comfortable with each other, you may gradually reveal more personal information, and in the process also find out more about each other. It takes time to build a solid relationship, and developing a close rapport by regular communication will put you on the right track towards achieving that.

Scenario 2: You Are Not Sure If You Like Him/Her

So, if you emerged from the first date unsure of whether you like the other party, what should you do next? We advise the following:

a) Don’t Give Up Immediately

At our seminars, one of the all-time favourite questions that people like to ask me is, “Do you believe in love at first sight?”

Well, I strongly believe in it. But the fact is, after talking to a great number of couples, I found out that many successful relationships out there did not develop from “love at first sight”. Interestingly, their first encounter was a tepid affair, but as they went out more often over time, they gradually started to develop feelings for each other.

Some people think that if there are no sparks on the first date, it’s a foregone conclusion. But the fact is, he/she may be the life partner you’re looking for! It’s like stumbling across an unpolished stone not knowing that it’s a valuable diamond in disguise. Be patient, and don’t give up immediately.

b) Give Yourself Time

In all likelihood, you’d not be able to find out everything you want to know about the other person on a first date. Often, you end up finding out very little if there’s little conversation during the date (eg. due to nervousness), or if the conversation focused on other topics.

So, to be fair to yourself and to your date, arrange follow-up dates where you can have more time to talk and find out more about each other. You can also communicate via other channels such as SMS, email and online chat. Give yourself time to know each other better before you decide if there’s potential for a serious relationship.

Scenario 3: You Met The Wrong Type Of Person

If after the first date, you’re very sure that the other party is not the type of person you’re looking for, it’s time to plan your exit strategy. It’s very much like what experts teach us about investing – after buying a particular stock, it’s good to have in mind what price you want to exit at a profit or a stop loss. The following exit tips may help:

a) Exit Fearlessly

I know of friends who have no qualms about rejecting someone else. Yet, there are many others who face difficulty in rejecting a person because they don’t want to hurt the other party. Let’s put it this way – if you give the other party the wrong idea that you’re interested, it’ll hurt them even more when they find out the truth next time. Many people I’ve spoken to would rather know the truth upfront rather than have their expectations falsely built up. Hence, don’t be afraid to reject someone if you need to – you’re saving them from further pain down the line. The other reason to exit fearlessly is of course to protect yourself – if you sense that the other party is up to no good.

b) Exit Graciously

Although honesty is a good practice, we should not be too brutally honest about how we feel about the other person, especially if it’s very negative. Even if you know you’re incompatible as life partners, you can always remain as friends. In a way, it also expands your personal or professional network. For example, you may end off the date by saying something neutral like, “It was nice meeting you tonight”, rather than pass a curt remark like “You’re pretty boring” or “I don’t see any future in us”. But do drop sufficient hints so that the other person knows you’re not keen for further dates, eg. “My schedule is quite full in the next few weeks”, or “At the moment, I’m too busy with my work to find time to socialise.” Always be gracious when you exit.

c) Exit At The Right Timing

It’s important to keep an open mind throughout the date – the process of building rapport cannot be rushed, and you ought to tell yourself to give the other person a chance. It’s a little too abrupt and rude to end a date within minutes of seeing someone, even if you know 100% that the person is not for you. After all, it’s only an hour or so of your time, and unless you are in a big rush to do something else, it is only polite to finish the date on a pleasant note. If the other party suggests a follow-up activity after dinner such as a movie or a stroll in the park, you can then excuse yourself politely – work commitments, project deadlines and meetings with other friends are examples of gracious excuses.

Scenario 4: You Messed Up The Date - Big Time

Many of us may have experienced bad or disastrous first dates. The fact that you’re meeting someone new makes the first date a potentially nerve-wracking experience, and it’s even so if you are relatively new in the dating game. So what can you do if you messed up the first date? Here are some tips on first date recovery:

a) Forgive And Forget

Don’t be too hard on yourself! You may have spent a lot of time preparing for the first date but in the end, still did not perform as expected. Well, it is perfectly normal to feel nervous on a first date. And it’s also quite common for people to mess up their first dates, so you’re definitely not alone! There’s no point in sinking into a sea of self-guilt and blaming yourself indefinitely. On the contrary, it’s important to forgive yourself so that you can start afresh, or depending on the situation, to attempt some “damage control” or “service recovery”. By forgiving yourself, you will also keep your self-confidence intact for future dates.

b) Learn From It

In any event good or bad, there is always something we can learn. What you should do is to look back at the experience, and see if you can pick up any pointers. Learn from your mistakes to avoid repeating them, and reinforce what you did right. With time, you’ll become much more confident and you’ll start doing more of the right things like being attentive and being your true self, and avoid fundamental mistakes such as talking too much about yourself on the first date or displaying an artificial persona.

c) Turn It Around

If you have done something wrong during the date, it’s not the end of the world! Most people are actually quite forgiving, and understand that the tension on a first date can often result in Murphy’s first law (If anything can go wrong, it will.) Simply follow up with a sincere apology, such as with a card, written note or a small gift. This simple strategy works great to turn the situation around to your advantage – you will be displaying some positive qualities of yourself in being honest and brave enough to admit your mistakes, and being sincere enough to offer a genuine apology. The other party may be impressed by your sincerity, and may well give you a second chance.

Conclusion

After your first date, it’s likely that you may encounter one of the above scenarios. We hope that the above tips will help you to navigate the situation confidently so that you will move closer to making your dream relationship a reality. All the best!